There are certain things that I am told that I don't know how to handle. I try to get a grasp on them, but they slip away, drifting in between understanding and confusion. They do not upset me, they only make me wonder how I should feel about them. People come to me to tell their secrets, to bare their souls, to rid themselves of sin. And I am a good listener, unbiased and open. I know what it's like to carry burdens on your shoulder. I know what it's like to have something to tell someone, anyone, just so that it's not your secret anymore. Because having at least one other person know is a small weight off your shoulders, and that secret no longer feels like it's crushing you.
What has me upset about this particular secret is not the secret itself, but that the person who shared it with me has shared it with someone before me, someone who does not deserve the right to help lighten it's load. I thought that I was this girl's "best friend", the first person she would confide in, but I've found this isn't the case. And it upsets me because if I found myself in this situation, or a similar one at that, this girl would be the very first person I would confide in about it. It upsets me because no matter what I was doing, where I was, I would always make time to listen to anything that this friend had to say. And maybe I'm upset over nothing. But it is a heavy secret to keep. And she knows that I am trustworthy. And we've had many a conversation about this matter before, so why was I not the first person that she told? It's not like I flipped out at the news, it's not like the news itself upset me. I sat there and listened as she told me what had happened, and I asked her how she felt now that it had happened. I listened to everything that she had to say on the matter. And when the conversation was over, I knew that it was over, not to be spoken of again.
But the other person she told is not as trustworthy as I, and hasn't been friends with this girl as long as I have, hasn't been there for her the way that I have. This girl is my best friend, through thick and thin. She has told me, and she has told others, that she would be dead without me. And I would probably be up shit-creek without her, as well. We are each others support system, and system of advice. She is the older sister that I never had. We have been through a lot together, as individuals and as friends.
Maybe I'm just blowing things up. It just upsets me that I wasn't there for her, because she wouldn't let me be. She went to someone else about the matter before she came to me. And she only came to me when everything was resolved. But maybe she just didn't know how I would take it, maybe she didn't want to upset me, or maybe she was afraid that telling me would upset her. I don't know.
I try to be the best friend that I can, because I care deeply for the few good friends that I have.
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